Stuck On Krieger's Korner
by Red Witch
Summary: Krieger and his co-hosts go on a little field trip to the La Brea Tar Pits.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gotten stuck in some tar. Just a fun little idea from my tiny little brain.**

 **Stuck On Krieger's Korner**

"Hello everyone!" Krieger waved in front of an exhibit of a mammoth stuck in some tar. "Dr. Krieger here at the La Brea Tar Pits for a special episode of Krieger's Korner. Today I thought we'd get out of the bullpen. Mostly because Cyril keeps complaining about expenses."

"So you've decided to wreck someplace new?" Ray was heard off camera.

"It was on this very spot…At this very exhibit where Archer was banned for life!" Krieger said cheerfully. "Let's watch the security footage, shall we?"

 _A scene of that exact same exhibit was shown. Only Archer was riding the mammoth wearing a light tan suit. His shoes and the bottom of his pants were covered in Tar. "Look AJ!" Archer called out. "Daddy's riding a mammoth!"_

 _"Archer!" Lana protested as she held a giggling AJ. "Get down from there! How did you get over there in the first place?"_

 _"It wasn't easy," Archer admitted. "A lot harder and a lot stickier than it looks."_

 _"You shouldn't have done that!" Lana told him._

 _"I know," Archer waved. "But I've worn this suit at least three times before and it is only a two-hundred-dollar suit. It's worth it to see AJ smile! HI AJ!"_

 _"Dadda!" AJ cheered._

 _"Me Archer!" Archer did his best Tarzan yell. "King of Beasts!"_

 _"King of Idiots is more like it," Lana snapped. "Hey Barney Rubble get off there!"_

 _"Barney Rubble never rode a mammoth Lana," Archer rolled his eyes. "Or did he?"_

 _"Archer," Lana began to warn._

 _"I mean I know they used dinosaurs and mammoths for public transportation as well as for pretty much everything else on the Flintstones," Archer went on. "Odds are he probably_ _ **did**_ _ride a mammoth at some point. Maybe they had a mammoth for a school bus or something?"_

 _"Archer…"_

 _"I remember seeing them use a mammoth as a dishwasher and a shower," Archer remembered. "And I know the Bedrock Fire Department definitely used them. Did Fred and Barney ever volunteer as firemen? I don't remember that episode."_

 _"Archer…"_

 _"I know they used wooly mammoths as vacuum cleaners," Archer then shuddered. "God and I thought_ _ **regular**_ _vacuum cleaners were dangerous."_

 _"Archer…"_

 _"I mean you would_ _ **not**_ _want to piss off a vacuum cleaner that_ _ **actually**_ _pisses," Archer went on. "But were Fred and Barney ever firefighters? I know Homer was one on the Simpsons."_

 _"ARCHER!"_

 _"This is gonna drive me crazy," Archer kept thinking. "I mean logically yes, it's highly possible at one time or another Barney Rubble rode a wooly mammoth. But I just can't_ _ **remember it!"**_

 _"Can you remember you're in_ _ **a restricted area?"**_ _One of three security guards spoke up. They were on the side._

 _"So?" Archer asked._

 _"This is so embarrassing," Lana groaned as AJ laughed with glee. "Yeah, laugh it up while you can kid. I'm going to remember this when he starts pulling stunts like this when you enter high school."_

 _"Hey you guys would know," Archer called out to the security guards. "Did Barney Rubble ever ride a wooly mammoth?"_

 _"Why the hell would security guards know the answer to an obscure Flintstones trivia question?" Lana snapped._

 _"Uh because they work at a place where there are_ _ **wooly mammoths**_ _and_ _ **saber-toothed**_ _tigers, Lana?" Archer scoffed._

 _"You have got to be kidding," Lana groaned._

 _"You'd be surprised at how many people make that assumption," The Head Security Officer sighed._

 _"I just could have sworn Fred and Barney were once volunteer firefighters," Archer went on. "And since their fire truck is a wooly mammoth. You see my logic, right?"_

 _"God help me I do," The Head Security Officer groaned._

" _You're thinking of Episode 16, Arthur Quarry's Dance Class," One security officer told Archer. "In in Fred and Barney lie to say that they're volunteer firemen but what they were really doing was taking dancing lessons for their wives."_

 _"Oh, that's_ _ **right!**_ _" Archer realized. "So, Barney Rubble never_ _ **actually**_ _rode a wooly mammoth?"_

 _"I don't remember him riding a wooly mammoth," The security guard said. "But it is possible. I mean come on! They were using dinosaurs and mammoths for transportation as well as for everything else."_

 _"Why the hell would Bedrock need a fire department anyway?" Another security officer asked. "Bedrock is made entirely of stone! There's nothing to burn!"_

 _"That's what tipped Wilma and Betty off," The first security officer said._

 _"WILL YOU IDIOTS STOP TALKING ABOUT THE FLINTSTONES AND HELP ME ARREST THIS LUNATIC?" The Head Security Officer shouted._

 _"I'm not going in there," The first security officer said._

 _"Me neither," The second said. He looked at Archer. "How did you get up there without sinking?"_

 _"I had a couple boards," Archer admitted. "But they kind of sank."_

 _"Well DUH!" Lana snapped. "That's what happens in tar pits! Things and people_ _ **sink**_ _in them!"_

 _"Why do you think we have all these fences around them?" The Head Security Officer asked. "And how did you get over them?"_

 _"Again, used the boards to climb over," Archer shrugged. "I mean the fence isn't that high so…You really should have higher fences."_

 _"That's because most people over the age of_ _ **five**_ _know better!" The Head Security Officer snapped._

 _"He doesn't," Lana sighed. "I don't suppose you could just let him sink into the tar?"_

 _"I would but the damn insurance contract we have…" The Head Security Officer explained._

 _"Got ya," Lana sighed. "For the record I had nothing to do with this. I didn't even want him to get in there."_

 _"It rarely is woman's fault," The Head Security Officer admitted. "Only once have I ever had to get a woman out of the exhibits. Once in like thirty-five times…"_

 _"So, this is a_ _ **thing?"**_ _Lana asked._

 _"Unfortunately," The Head Security Officer sighed. "We're gonna need the crane."_

 _"Crane?" Archer asked._

 _The scene then cut to a crane hoisting Archer in the air strapped into a harness. The sound of a machine beeping was heard. And a huge crowd was watching and taking pictures. "This is so embarrassing…" Archer blinked._

 _"YOU'RE EMBARRASED?" Lana shouted._

 _"Uh yeah Lana," Archer said. "I'm the one being carried like a potato sack dripping tar!"_

 _"You think you're embarrassed_ _ **now?**_ _" The Head Security Officer asked. "It's gonna get worse."_

 _"What do you mean?" Archer asked._

 _"Well for starter's there's_ _ **that,"**_ _The Head Security Officer pointed to a news crew filming the event. "And then…."_

 _The scene then cut to Archer resisting arrest. "Hey! HEY! I AM STERLING ARCHER! I USED TO BE THE WORLD'S GREATEST SPY! I DON'T GET ARRESTED! LANA! LANA! LANAAAAAAAAAAA!"_

 _"Does anybody know a Lana?" Lana looked around innocently before walking away._

 _"HEY! LET ME GO! LET ME GO!" Archer broke away from the security officers. But left his pants behind. "I'M FREE! HA! HA! HA!" The security officers then chased the pants-less Archer around the park._

The scene cut back to Krieger. "You know Ms. Archer paid that news crew like a couple thousand so that wouldn't air? I mean she was so embarrassed. I don't know why. She wasn't even there. And Archer has done way more embarrassing things on tape than this."

"And now some fun facts about the tar pits," Krieger smiled.

"LIKE YOU CAN'T SMELL IT TO GET HIGH CHERYL!" Ray was heard shouting.

"What?" Krieger blinked. He turned around and saw Cheryl try to sniff the fumes. "That's not a good idea Cheryl!"

"How about this idea," Cheryl took out a lighter and lit it. "Let's see if liquid tar is flammable!"

"OH, DEAR GOD NO!" Krieger screamed. "CHERYL!"

"HOW THE HELL DID SHE GET THAT LIGHTER?" Ray shouted.

"STOP HER BEFORE…" Krieger shouted.

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Okay so now we know liquid tar is flammable," Pam gulped as the tar exhibit caught on fire.

Then the mammoth caught on fire. "Man, that thing has had a lot of abuse these past couple of years," Krieger remarked.

The scene then cut to an image of a smoke covered Krieger, Cheryl, Pam and Ray at his van. "And that's how we got banned from the La Brea Tar Pits," Krieger coughed. "People watching this…Fun safety fact… **Don't** set the tar pits on fire. They really hate that."

"We're lucky we didn't get arrested," Ray groaned. "The smoke covered our escape."

"How did you know we got banned?" Cheryl asked.

Ray looked at her. "The fact that they were screaming, ' _Never come back, you people are_ _banned'_ was a clue!"

"Oh right," Cheryl nodded. "I was wondering why they were saying that."

"Tune in next week where we get banned from someplace **new!** " Pam said cheerfully. Ray and Krieger glared at her. "What? Too soon?"


End file.
